George W. Bush

George W. Bush, United States President (2001 to 2009). 

The Impeachables: Mock Dating Profiles Of World Leaders. 

Catch line: “Fascism you can vote for.”

Great books that I’ve read recently . . .

1. ‘Godless: The Church of Liberalism,’ by Ann Coulter. I like its polemical attacks on science and evolution, and how it was published on 06/06/06.

2. ‘All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,’ by Robert Fulghum.

3. ‘The Da Vinci Code’ by Dan Brown. Who says I don’t read American literature?

4. ‘The Powers of War and Peace: The Constitution and Foreign Affairs After 9/11’ by John Yoo. This gets five stars because Yoo contends that I have unilateral authority to initiate wars without congressional approval, and to interpret, terminate, and violate international treaties at will. Yoo’s arguments are exactly what I want to hear.

5. ‘State of Fear’ by Michael Crichton. This is about a villain who falsifies scientific studies to justify draconian steps to curb global warming--it’s a great read. This book reminds me of how I feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but how I have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

6. ‘The Future Dictionary of America,’ edited by Jonathan Safran Foer and Dave Eggers. There’s a hunormously hilarious entry in this dictionary for ‘bushwacked,’ which goes like this: “the removal from office by the force of public outrage of any public official who has misrepresented, falsified, or in any way lead a nation into unilateral action obviating planetary consensus.”

7. ‘MoveOn's 50 Ways to Love Your Country: How to Find Your Political Voice and Become a Catalyst for Change’ by MoveOn.org.

8. ‘Rebel-in-Chief: Inside the Bold and Controversial Presidency of George W. Bush’ by Fred Barnes.

9. ‘Fooled Again: How the Right Stole the 2004 Election & Why They'll Steal the Next One Too (Unless We Stop Them)’ by Mark Crispin Miller.

10. ‘Cronies: Oil, the Bushes, and the Rise of Texas, America's Superstate’ by Robert Bryce.

11. ‘Warrior-King: The Case for Impeaching George W. Bush’ by John Bonifaz.

12. ‘The Bush Dyslexicon: Observations on a National Disorder’ by Mark Crispin Miller.

My most humbling moments.

There are sooooo many.

1. Misleading the American people about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) and Iraq’s connections with Al-Qaeda, and starting an illegal war based on assertions I knew were untrue.

2. Standing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003, with a “Mission Accomplished” sign behind me.

3. Being nominated for the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize along with my pal Tony Blair, even though we’re directly responsible for at least 70,000 Iraqi civilian deaths in the war (as of August 2007). Remember, just because civilians killed by Americans and the British aren’t mentioned on CNN or BBC, doesn’t mean that it’s not a crime. Dead Iraqis? Dead Afghanis? They don't count, so they’re not counted.

4. On my first day in office, I moved to block federal aid to foreign groups that offered counseling or assistance to women in obtaining abortions.

5. I can’t take all the credit for this next one, but while Governor of Texas, 152 people were executed in my state, maintaining our record as the leading state in executions.

6. In 2003, I signed the Healthy Forests Initiative, which was really just a giveaway to timber companies.

7. And, along the way, a few more high crimes and misdemeanors, such as overthrowing the Constitutional system of checks and balances, and discarding due process, presumption of innocence, and habeas corpus. This was cruel. This was unusual.

My favorite on-screen sex scene.

Me screwing the American people on Michael Moore’s ‘Fahrenheit 9/11.’ Let me count the ways I screw them. I screw them by using complex matters of national security as flag-waving wedge issues. I screw them by leading a government that views war as a first choice, not a last resort. I screw them by claiming that global warming is not caused by human consumption of oil and other hydrocarbons. I screw them by rejecting the Kyoto Protocol--my approach recognizes that economic growth is the solution, not the problem. I also liked seeing how my policies have helped rape the world’s environment in ‘An Inconvenient Truth,’ the documentary film about global warming.

The celebrity I resemble the most.

I’ve been told I look a bit like John Wayne, but I think I resemble Alfred E. Neuman the most--remember the mascot of ‘Mad’ magazine? I also resemble Steve Bridges, the celebrity impersonator who mocked me at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner and "interpreted" my remarks for the layperson.

The best or worst lies I've ever told.

LIE 1. My best lie is that I'm a simple imbecile. But my language isn’t of the common man, and my linguistic problems tell you that I’m more than just a dunce. In fact, on certain subjects, I’m perfectly coherent while speaking off-the-cuff. What's more troubling than my stupidity is my insincerity--when talking, I’m incapable of winging it on idealistic or altruistic themes. It's when I try to sound like I care about the unemployed, that I believe in racial harmony, or that I cherish democracy, that I make the most hilarious mistakes. But when I talk about revenge, punishment, or death, I tend to be a powerful, precise speaker.

LIE 2. Another bestest lie is actually a whole trove of lies that relate to intelligence reports that fueled the hype and hysteria that led America into an unnecessary war. My favorite lie is: I didn’t run a campaign of misinformation, I didn’t encourage our intelligence community to find things that never existed (Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction [WMDs], Iraq’s active links to Al-Qaeda, etc.). This all funnels into one gigantic lie: I didn’t fail America, intelligence failed America, and I’m determined to get to the bottom of it.

LIE 3. My worst lie is that I didn’t violate US law and the US Constitution in July 2002 by taking $700 million from funds Congress appropriated for the war in Afghanistan, and secretly diverting them to prepare for an unauthorized war in Iraq. This is my worst lie because I didn’t successfully pull it off.

If I could be anywhere right now, it’d be . . .

1. Not at any of the funerals of my troops. There’s been thousands, and I haven’t attended one of them.

2. Drinking cocktails (kamikazes and cocksucking cowboys were my favorites) back at Phillips Academy Andover, Yale, or Harvard Business School--basically any school that my family connections got me into.

3. Not at any of the countries where I send my troops.

4. Not at any of the countries where my CIA operatives “interrogate” suspected terrorists in order to avoid US laws prescribing due process and prohibiting torture; and we designate suspected Al-Qaeda and Taliban members as unlawful combatants so we can circumvent the Geneva Conventions. One technique we use is "waterboarding" (strapping a detainee to a board and submerging it until the prisoner believes he or she is drowning).

5. Drilling for oil in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Five items I can't live without.

1. Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, a successful political smear campaign.

2. Radical ideologues with pre-determined notions of truth and reality.

3. The hypocrisy of the House Judiciary Committee who impeached Bill Clinton for engaging in a sexual escapade under the Oval Office desk and lying about it later, but won’t impeach a war-time President (me) who thinks he (that’s me again) can do anything he wants, such as not needing to consult other branches of government, such as personally ordering (and renewing at least thirty times) a federal crime--the National Security Agency’s warrantless wiretapping of the American people.

4. The yellowcake forgery.

5. The so-called Patriot Act.

6. “Truthiness.” I can’t live without this fab word. Truthiness is the quality by which a person purports to know something emotionally or instinctively, without regard to evidence or intellectual examination. Stephen Colbert was spot-on when he said our nation is divided between those who think with their head, and those who know or feel the truth with their heart. Everyone was once entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts--I’m changing that. I’m appealing to emotion (mostly to fear). See, facts don’t matter any more. Perception is everything. People love me because I’m certain of my choices, even if the facts that back me up don't exist. It's the fact that I’m convinced that appeals to some people. What’s important? What you want to be true, or what is true? I know my answer to this question.

7. The unconscionable doctrine of preemptive defense / first strike; which promotes wars of aggression (not wars of self-defense) that are contrary to the UN Charter, and are therefore war crimes.

8. Irregularities in the voting and tabulation processes in Florida.

9. “Yes men.”

10. Ken Lay, Enron’s disgraced chairman and a former Pentagon economist--my buddy Ken was the biggest single investor in my first campaign for president. R.I.P. buddy.

11. Ooops, I’ve gone way past five items that I can’t live without. Karl, is that ok? It is? The last item I can’t live without is Karl Rove.

Fill in the blank: _____ is sexy; _____ is sexier.

Supplying chemical weapons to Iraq in the 1980s, and endorsing their use is sexy; not taking the nuclear option for Iran off the table in 2006 and 2007 is sexier!

In my bedroom you’ll find . . .

In my bedroom, you’ll find a photo of my dad, sleeping pills, and a ‘Don’t Mess With Texas’ poster. In my study, you’ll find framed copies of the Time magazine covers that named me as Person of the Year for 2000 and 2004, and my handwritten diary. In my diary you’ll read about how I violated the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), without legal basis, by authorizing warrantless wiretapping; and how I didn’t notify Congress of my decision at the time I made it. Oh, and how this violates the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution, which prohibits unlawful searches and seizures, including electronic surveillance. Oh, and how I reframe the debate as a choice of whether or not to wiretap Al-Qaeda--even though no Democratic politician has suggested that wiretaps not be performed on Al-Qaeda, only that wiretaps be performed according to the law. In my diary you’ll also read about my policy of expanding presidential powers merely for the sake of expanding presidential powers. You’ll also read about my rebuttal of critics who say, “‘Yee-haw!’ is not a foreign policy.”

Why you should get to know me.

I have a sociopathic personality. I’m incapable of empathy--for example, I’m okay with the fact that thousands of American soldiers have ‘given’ their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan, and how these wars have killed tens of thousands of innocent civilians. I like to threaten Iran, North Korea, Cuba, Syria, and Venezuela, even though these threats violate international law and the UN Charter. I like the psychic gridlock of us/them, good/evil. I like to manipulate the scientific process and distort or suppress scientific findings. I like to look for loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (a few billion years), but find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old. I like to abuse presidential signing statements. I’ve issued over 750 signing statements, including one related to the McCain Detainee Amendment--I made clear that I reserve the right to waive this bill. I use signing statements to amend portions of laws I disagree with, instead of issuing a veto; they allow me to select which parts of the laws will be enforced, based solely on my interpretation of constitutionality. The last stellar reason why you should get to know me is: I have an inordinate sense of my own entitlement, and I’m a very skilled manipulator. Oh, and I’m not a puppet. What more could you want?

More about what I’m looking for.

A woman who shares my ambition to enrich the rich (leave no billionaire behind!). A woman who disbelieves the propaganda that it's really about oil (even though it is). A woman who believes that my ideology is truth, and adheres to my personal versions of right and wrong, and good and evil, not her versions. A woman who supports my position that Congress is not doing the right thing, so I'm going to act on my own. A woman who believes that the entire population of our planet, excluding those who have accepted Jesus as their Lord, will spend eternity in Hell; yet simultaneously believes our religion to be the most tolerant and loving; yep, religiousness is a major plus. A woman who talks dirty to me in bed, saying gems like: “Who’s above international law? Who’s above the Bill of Rights? You are Bushy! Who’s the champion of freedom and democracy? You are Bushy! Who squandered the largest federal surplus in history and created the largest national debt in history? You did Bushy!” And last but not least, a woman who says to me in bed, “Who’s the War President? You are Bushy!”

Contact The Impeachables.

leegolit[at]gmail.com — www.LeeBobBlack.com — This website is parody.